At the risk of sounding like a sap.... I'm gonna get a little sappy.
With all the crap that's going on with STBE and the children and refinancing of mortgages and a familial divorce of sorts all happening at once, there's this incredible calm I have, dare I call it happiness, in my heart. Mind you I cry most days at least once, I probably hug my children a little too hard, and that one cigarette a day habit has grown into a few more than one. But I digress. Would you think that my enjoying some happiness at this juncture is reckless? Thoughts, opinions, please tell me...
Actually, even if you do think it's reckless, keep it to yourself. I deserve a little sunshine and blue sky, I'll take whatever I can get.
Let me explain. I have never, ever, felt love like this before. It's the kind of love that makes me want to get on my knees and pray and be grateful and give thanks... and believe me I'm not exactly in the first pew at church on Sundays. For all that I've been through, all that I've experienced in this life, I have something now that makes me want to love someone else with my whole heart and my whole soul. Something that makes me want to have Thanksgiving and Christmas and Easter and every holiday ay my house. Something that makes me want to love someone like they've never been loved before either. Told you it'd get sappy.
Love is a give and take and sure, you get what you give. But the boundless, astounding, intense, loving adoration and commitment that I have gotten.... OMG. Literally, sometimes I have to sit down. I have low blood pressure, and when I'm with him I've been known to swoon. hahaha. I think I've mentioned here about how much I value showing someone what you mean, what you feel, as opposed to just telling. The things I've seen! The changes in him, the opening up, the visions for a shared future, the way he holds me, looks me in the eyes and sees me, how he brushes my hair and gives me the last best bite of a sandwich (I know, I'm nuts). How he's gotten on his knees and held my hands and professed his heart. How he's told his daughter, his greatest and most fiercely protected gift, that we're real and we're happening and that we're gonna be a family. Well, that's just some of it.
When I graduated from grad school and the Dean of my rather chi-chi University called my name, my whole name, I almost passed out. Right then and there. I held my composure best I could, but still cried like a baby to go and collect that diploma and then just about kissed said Dean on the mouth before I practically picked him and swung him around. I couldn't believe it was ME they were calling. ME.
Well, now, I am humbled and astounded that it's me who's the object of all this fabulous true blue, love you like no one's business adoration. He loves me! Good God, HE LOVES ME.
And the best part, is that I am so freaking crazy in love with him too. In love with him for how he loves me, how he's gonna love my children, how he wants to teach them to hit baseballs and catch softballs and throw footballs and fish and swim and boogieboard. How he wants to be a little league coach. How he wants to read my daughter stories at night. Dance with her. How he wants to decorate my house for Christmas. How he wants to climb on the roof and stomp around so the kids think the reindeer have landed. How he wants to make forts out of blankets and watch movies in bed with all the kids and the dogs. How he wants to have food fights and tickle time and walk with us on the beach in winter.
How he wants to marry me. Make me his wife. Be my husband. Just as soon as we can. Not a moment waiting longer.
How can I help from holding him and loving him and believing in us and where we're going. It's like a lifeline that's pulling me out of quicksand. The lifeline that makes getting through all the muck and rain and hail and sleet so worthwhile.
The other day, a particularly rough day, he held me to close and I was crying. I let go of the painful stuff for a moment, all the uncertainties and anxieties about the signing of papers and fighting and custody and bunkbeds and child support, and just allowed myself to melt into him. At that moment, I knew. Being there, in his arms and having all that we do- as limited as it has to be for the time being- well, that makes the uncertainties and anxiety manageable. At the end of the day, it comes down to that place where we're going. The place where I and he can melt into each other and say without doubt, there's blue skies ahead for us.
Thanks. Blue. God speed.
