Silent night

No. Not as in Christmas. One day after Thanksgiving and they were playing Christmas music in Stop and Shop. I almost started throwing juice boxes. Then I started to cry and left without my eggs or my little guy's vanilla soy milk.

It's silent in my house. The kids are with their father. Save for a few times that I can count on one hand, I always kiss them goodnight before they close their eyes. I'm not tucking them in tonight. You know those dreams where you wake up in a panic thinking you left the house without your clothes on? That's what this is like. Feeling like you forgot to do something major. Feeling like something is missing. Three major things are missing.

I spoke to them. The boys told me that daddy bought them so many new toys. That they had bunk beds with a  ladder. My daughter asked when I was coming. I tried to sound excited about the new wii games, the Toy Story sheets, all the stuff.... But inside I was seething that he was trying to buy them. I was seething and yearning for the smell of their hair, my little guy's feet curled up against my stomach when he falls asleep.

This is divorce. Yes. The reality. I'm not mad, Not regretful. No, I'm just a little blindsided and feeling like I'm going through withdrawals, or having a craving. So intense. I miss them so much.

The anger I have is on my heart. Anger partially aimed at myself for hiding my true feelings for so long. Anger about enabling a behavior in someone. Anger at letting someone take advantage. Anger for settling for someone who didn't love me right. Anger for being made to feel so alone for so long. Anger for being weak and pathetic instead of strong and resolute.

I suppose that anger with myself will fade. Time passes and eventually these experiences, my marriage, well I suppose it all turns into history. I've turned the page. The ink is almost dry.

STBE and his attorney have my documents, my settlement agreements. Those endless pages of legalese await signatures. The lines with our names under them straight and stark in black ink against the white pages. I think I need a blue pen. For sure, Blue.

Sleep babies. Mama is keeping watch. I love you like no one else. Touch your hearts. Sweet dreams.