non ti preoccupare (don't worry)

So I was talking to my mom the other day. Some background first.

I've always had a really close relationship with her. I came way after the others were born and I sort of had her to myself. Needless to say, all this divorce stuff is hard on her. She found out about Blue through a series of bad circumstances. She doesn't approve. I don't think she thinks it's still going on, actually I am not sure, but at any rate, I'm in no position to tell her different at this point... but there's part of me that thinks she knows, or at least knows what I want when the smoke clears. She's no fool. Smart cookie. Tough as nails.

Anyhow, I used to be very dependent on her and needed her stamp of approval on everything. I was very much still a child in her eyes and to tell you the truth, I previously never did much to convince her I was a grown up. Sure I was married with kids, but I kept my mouth shut and my nose down. I didn't make waves. I was a little girl who was seen and not heard. ugh.

So we're on the phone and I had a moment of dependancy. I needed to have her be my mommy, kiss it, make it better. I know, barking up wrong tree. Why do I need her reassurance? But in my mind I was going to a fountain where the drink had always been good.

"Mom," I said,  "I just want to know that you believe, one day, that everything will be alright. That I'll be ok, that the kids will be ok. That we'll be happy."
"I can't tell you that for sure. How could I? How do I know what is going to happen to you? YOu have a very long road, so many hurdles... I wish I knew. But no, I can't make a statement in no uncertain terms that you will all be ok."

I realize that I could get run over in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot. I saw that my son wasn't so aok last week with the stitches. I know that things can happen which could very likely suck. BUT COME ON MOM! I'm not asking you to blow sunshine up my -ss, but a little bit of a "partly sunny with small chance of rain" forecast was all I was after.

Why couldn't she do this? As a mom I know that you want to do whatever it takes to protect your children. YOu want to make the road as well paved as possible. But there are times when you have to send them out (the kindergarten bus for instance) and let them know that no matter what, things will be ok. Even if you fear they won't be. Even if they fear things won't be ok. You have to tell your children that you love them without condition (or who they are/are not with) and they should never doubt that.

I was so disappointed. She let me down and that's something I never want to do to my kids, whether they are six and four or beyond.

I called my friends. They said of course it would be alright. One of them said these marathons of neck-high shit always end. I trust that they will.

Any thoughts?